Thursday, August 9, 2012

Third Person Thursday: Curiosity Lands


Ten kilometers below the planet’s surface, Kylgax-3 sat in silence and awaited word about the events above.  One hand supported his double-cleft chin while the second rapped its two fingers and both opposable thumbs against the desktop.  His other two hands were folded in front of him over his stomach.

Soon, he heard the patting footsteps of someone approaching down the dusty tunnel.  Hypheron-27 appeared at the tunnel’s opening where he abruptly stiffened and remained standing with all four arms rigid at his side, waiting for permission to speak.

“I assume you bring word,” Kylgax-3 said.  “Relax your posture and let me have it, please.”

Hypheron-27 sighed and his straightened form bent into one resembling a question mark.  “It has not gone as expected, sir.  It landed safely.”

Kylgax-3 opened his nostrils wide and snorted as each of his tongues poked out of the corners of his mouths as was their species customary method of showing displeasure.  “That shall prove to be quite a nuisance,” he spoke.  “And what about the quality of the surveillance equipment?  Has there been any analysis on its range?”

“We only know that there are a great many lenses and the quality is higher than the previous versions.  The observers are in the process of attempting to intercept transmitted images to try and determine the distance.”

“So that is to say that images are already being transmitted?”

Hypheron-27 stiffened again, apparently concerned that he had let too much information slip to his superior.  “Unfortunately, yes sir.”

All four of Kylgax-3’s hands went to his head.  “Be sure that the protocol remains in place that there are to be no excursions to the surface without clearance from an authority of my level or higher.”

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I'm Getting Ahead of Myself with August's Poll

Last month's poll question has been decided and, by the narrowest of margins, our readership has declared that they prefer Spider-Man's web shooters to be part of his resulting spider-like physiology rather than of his own invention.  The picture to celebrate the poll result is forthcoming.


In the meantime I began pondering what it was I wanted to ask of our loyal readers this month.  Every time August rolls around, I think of school but as I tried to decide on a poll question that was not overly contrived, the sound of zombies being pelted with vegetables and chomping on plants rang in my ears as my sons played Plants vs. Zombies nearby.


Now, my kids won't go back to school until the end of the month and the zombie apocalypse is probably a ways off but, to be sure, both are going to happen whether we like it or not.  Thus, in the true spirit of mash-up-ness (?) I decided to combine my fear of both things that shamble toward us and spell our doom, school and zombies.


So vote all this month on which school supply you would find most useful to engage in pitched combat against the undead.  Perhaps we can get our voices heard and instill a little zombie survival tactics into the standard school curriculum.  At least during P.E., right?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Olympic Weekly Features


The 2012 Summer Olympics have begun and our weekly features are designed to celebrate the majesty of sportsmanship and competition at its purest form.  Along those lines, our top five list consists of our top non-medal Olympic moments.

5. Jamaican bobsled team, Calgary 1998 – Not a summer Olympic moment, but a story of a group of athletes who dedicated themselves to a cause and kept at it.  More importantly, it resulted in a movie starring John Candy.  Oh, how I miss him.

4. John Stephen Akhwari, Mexico City 1968 – After a fall that resulted in a fracture in his leg during the marathon, this Tanzanian runner refused to quit and finally crossed the finish line after the winner had already finished over an hour earlier.

3. Kerstin Palm, Tokyo 1964 through Seoul 1988 – The Swedish fencer was the first woman to compete in seven, yes seven Olympic games.  What drove her to keep going for so long?  The love of the sport.  Palm never medaled, yet returned over and over again just to keep competing.

2. Lawrence Lemieux, Seoul 1988 – While in second place during a rowing competition, Lemieux saw two athletes from Singapore competing in another race simultaneously capsize in rough waters.  Lemieux quickly steered off the route and saved both men from drowning, sacrificing his place in the history books to help his fellow athlete.

1. Derek and Jim Redmond, Barcelona 1992 – The most inspiring and memorable Olympic moment ever, especially to a dad like me, came when injury plagued British sprinter Derek Redmond snapped his hamstring in the middle of a race and his father, Jim pushed past security in order to race to his son’s side and support him across the finish line.  Technically, Derek was disqualified, but it was a family victory in the end.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

TGD's Fantas(y)tic Offer

The most intense sports season of all is nearly upon us.  No other sporting contest tells you more about yourself and your competitors.  Loyalties are tested, friends become mortal enemies and even kin turn their back on one another for the chance at victory.

Yes, it is time to begin prepping for the fantasy football season.  And nobody can do it alone.  The sooner you accept the fact that you need help, the sooner I can help you.

I don't pretend to have advice to offer you about who to draft, who not to draft or who to draft if that one guy you were going to draft has already been drafted.  There are countless websites and publications out there you can reference to get such advice.  No, the help I so generously extend my hand and offer today concerns something many overlook.  It involves the first thing anyone will notice about your fantasy team.  It is your first chance to make an impression upon your opponent, whether it be to intimidate or confuse.

I want to name your fantasy team.

I made this same offer to my readers in a post from last year.  However, nobody accepted my offer.  Now, it's possible that the ranks of fantasy football leagues out there were peppered with some of the gems that I let slip in that post and that would be fine.  But my true hope is that you readers out there might comment on this post, telling me a little about yourself and giving me insight into your personality (your football philosophy, favorite hobby, book, movie, or brand of cereal), and that I may then offer a few potential names for you to choose from.  I'm thinking each comment gets three potential names.

But you doubt my abilities, don't you?  I can't say that I blame you.  And so, as a gesture of good faith, I will throw another few beauties out there that you can choose to steal for your own team if you are too shy to leave a comment.  Here are just a few I thought of at random in no particular order...

  • Secret Apprentice
  • Dungeons & Defensive Backs
  • Kobiyashi Maru
  • Mean Machine
  • Tusken Raiders
  • KHHHHHHHAAAAANNNNNNNN!
  • The Horse You Rode in On
  • The Wreck of the Larry Fitzgerald
  • Boom Bang Pow
  • Previously Unreleased Yardage
  • Brick by Brick
  • Something Completely Different
  • Unimpeded to Your Quarterback
  • Mandalorians
  • Herald of Galactus

...and I'm spent.

But seriously folks, that took a matter of two minutes.  If you comment on this post and ask for a customized name for your fantasy team, I guarantee that I will spend at least five minutes thinking up three potential names just for you.  That's more than one minute per name!

Regardless of your naming decision, I wish you all luck this season.  May the Force be with you...ooh, that's another one!  "Force With a Capital F."  Ok, I'm done.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Third Person Thursday: What's in a Name


“You are really taking it seriously this year,” Hank said to Greg without averting his eyes from the television.  “You invite me over to watch the Sox game and then you spend the whole time in front of your computer plotting your fantasy football strategy.”

“Sorry I’m being so intense about it,” Greg said without averting his eyes form the stat table displayed on his computer screen, “I just really want to win the title this year.”

“I’m not complaining,” Hank elaborated and shoved an entire White Castle cheeseburger into his mouth.  “More sliders for me,” he then spoke around it as he chewed.  “You’ve won half the years we’ve been playing in this league.”

“Five out of eight actually,” Greg said.

Hank waved off the correction with a swipe of his hand, swallowed and promptly removed the next miniature cheeseburger from its box.  “The rest of us spend our mental energy hoping that your best players will suffer career ending injuries just so we might have a shot at winning.”  He ripped open and squeezed a packet of brown mustard.  “Still, I’ve never seen you put this much time into it.  What’s so special about this year?  You going balls out for that three-peat?”

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Wordless Wednesday: What a Difference a Day Makes



Wordless Wednesday: Ice Cream PSA

I apologize for breaking the rules of Wordless Wednesday, in fact another post with two pictures and no words (I promise) will be posted a little later, but this is a serious matter.  In fact this is pratically a public service announcement.



Observe if you will the above photograph.  You may recognize that this is a Dairy Queen soft serve ice cream cone.  What you may not recognize, unfortunately, is the topping on this particular cone.  If you have the extreme displeasure of being located near a Dairy Queen that does not carry "Crunch Coat" this is what you are missing.


Alas, for years many people near the offending Dairy Queen locations have not known what I was talking about when I requested my cone be rolled in Crunch Coat on several occasions.  This is a tragedy and I seek that all Dairy Queen patrons be treated equally and have accessibility to this amazing taste sensation.  Alert the manager at your Dairy Queen immediately and demand that they make this crunchy, peanut-ty option available to you without delay.


The more you know...

Monday, July 23, 2012

The Fallacy of the Trilogy Pattern

With the third and final of Christopher Nolan's Batman films now in theaters, I spent some time recently reflecting on some of the more well-known film trilogies.  I remember reading that the overwhelming opinion of many film-viewers was that the quality of each of the three films in a trilogy followed a predictable pattern.


The first, it was said was good enough to draw attention to the franchise.  It developed the characters and injected interest in their story into the consciousness of the general public.


The second film was the crowning achievement.  With the main characters established, new challenges and trials could be introduced.  the story hit the ground running and gave you the most bang for your buck.


The third film was usually the source of heated debate.  Did it end the franchise successfully or did it stagger off into the sunset like the athlete with injury problems who should have retired three seasons back?  Regardless, the third film showed a significant drop off from the second, often held in regard as the best of the three.


I argue that this is really not much of a pattern at all and below, I set out to provide evidence toward my argument.  Please peruse the following graph and think of each trilogy mentioned (I know I left a number out, but the graph was becoming rather cluttered) as you saw it...




Two things should be evident from looking at this graph.  First, I am not very skilled at graphic design. Second, the suggested pattern does not hold as steadfast as some would suggest.  In fact, several trilogies had the second film in the series nearly knock the success of the franchise off the rails before the third could be released.


I welcome any and all questions, challenges and debates regarding the opinion expressed above.  Of course, I am speculating on where The Dark Knight Rises might fall on this graph and I have ignored that extra film that had Indiana Jones in its title for reasons which I hope are obvious.

Same Bat-Blog, Same Bat-Features

The final movie of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy is out in theaters and I am going to overcompensate for my not having yet seen it by loading up this week's features with Batman and trilogy movie references.  It starts with our top five Batman villains...

5. Catwoman - An intriguing character in the Batman universe, but since she has become more of a part-time villain/anti-hero, she can't very well rank higher.

4. Bane - I'm a big fan of the strong, muscle-bound villains whom the hero must outthink.  Not having seen the film, I'm hearing that The Dark Knight Rises version of Bane is a bit different, so we shall see if the movie portrayal causes his stock to rise or fall in reference to this list.

3. Two Face - Another villain done differently in the films, I always liked the schizophrenic ex-DA in the comic books.

2. Riddler - Ok, he may have the worst get-up out of them all, an obnoxious green spandex one piece with question marks all over it, but his approach always got me.  I still find myself posing questions to my friends by starting, "Riddle me this, Batman..."

1. Joker - True sick, disturbed, evil mind and what better way to portray that than having hims resemble the most evil of God's creations, the clown.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Third Person Thursday: Ben Takes the Bait


Anchor in place, before a single item of tackle was attended to, Ben Grainger took care of his top priority and popped open a can of beer.  He took a long swig and set the can on the bench in front of him.  Then, he set to baiting the hooks.

“Stupid fish,” he said to himself after he had properly hooked a minnow and dropped the line over the side.

The white side of the red and white bobber floated upward. Ben set the pole into one of the holders scattered around the edges of his boat then took another long, self-satisfied swig from his beer can before setting up the next pole the same way.  After each pole was set there came another pull from a beer can such that by the time all six poles had been set up Ben was downing the last drops from his third can and already opening his fourth.

By this time, the bobbers’ white topsides had begun to dip below the water.  “Stupid, greedy fish,” he said and reached to the various poles, setting hooks and reeling in lines, all the while taking swigs from the cans which he let fall to the bottom of his boat as he emptied them.

Ben’s target was walleye, walleye large enough to make a halfway decent fillet.  If he found the fish to be too small, he tossed it back in.  If it were a different species, back it went also, though he paused for a minute to inspect a rather large perch in his hand before deciding not to settle.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

TGD Review: Kingdoms of Camelot Battle for the North Reminds You, Time is Money

Platform, first person shooter, RPG, MMO and puzzle games all have their place in this world.  At any given moment, I may prefer one genre over the other and the greats of each category could prompt heated arguments over which is the better overall game.

But as I have watched video games evolve over my lifetime from Pong to Pac-Man to Mario to Modern Warfare, the most curious of the video game genres to sweep the nerdscape is what I call the "pay to play" genre made popular by the era of smart phones and social media.

Ok, so maybe it isn't always pay to play, but it is "pay to play better."  These games are normally apps you purchase for your phone or link to your Facebook account.  They start as free.  Sometimes you can upgrade them to avoid the advertisements in between levels.  But almost always, you can spend money on in-app purchases in order to be better than the rest of the people you are squaring off against in the game.

Enter, Kingdoms of Camelot: Battle for the North, a multi-player online game that seeks to piggyback off the medieval fantasy friendly atmosphere generated by the success of Game of Thrones and get people to spend every waking hour and every spare penny to build a mighty kingdom (or, if you pay just a little bit more, several mighty kingdoms) that will be the envy of all others.

Let's get this review over with, shall we, my liege?

Monday, July 16, 2012

July's First Features


Posting has been quite sparse here over the last month.  July has seen perhaps an all time low in regularity of my shared ranting.  After a week out of town, fishing in the north woods, I have decided to finally update the weekly features.  It begins with the top five ways I was able to notice (other than road signs) that I had returned to Illinois…

5. Lack of pine trees – The sprawling groups of tall pines begin to become less sprawling as you come closer to Illinois’ northern border and pretty much disappear by the time to you cross it.  It also gives way to…

4. Flatter terrain – Goodbye scenic bluffs of sandstone and rolling hills, hello boring flat fields of grass.

3. More lanes on the highway – The same interstate opens suddenly from two lanes into four most places and even more once you start reaching the tollbooths, which leads us to my next sign…

2. Tolls – You may have driven for four hundred and fifty miles for nothing more than the cost of your gas, but now the same stretch of road is going to cost you $1.95 every thirty miles or so.  Welcome home.

1. Terrible drivers – You would think that the open lanes and the tolls would combine for better traffic.  On the contrary, the whole slower traffic to the right thing just seems to fly out the window once you cross into my beloved Land of Lincoln (who was born in Kentucky).

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Wordless Wednesday Double Shot Part Two: The Spider Called the First Burger


Wordless Wednesday Double Shot Part One: And That Is How It's Done


The Winds of Change Whisper Through the Pines and I Think it Would Be Rude to Ignore Them

I was torn today. Every now and then, one realizes that certain truths one may hold very dear don't exactly get along perfectly. They are the Felix Unger and Oscar Madison of your brain and while you roll your eyes and chuckle at the hilarity of their differences there's still always that uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach that one day one of them is going to be caught trying to stuff the dead corpse of the other down the incinerator chute. As I navigated the tree lined passages of the Northwoods, my iPhone alerted me to the incoming text message and instantly and instinctively I pulled it from my pocket to check it. This is something I never would have done five years ago. Of course, I couldn't have done it five years ago because the network reception wasn't nearly what it is today, so I suppose I ought not to get so high and mighty over the sanctity of nature with myself. Still, it bothered me slightly. When you escape into nature, you expect there to be an enveloping dome of technological regression that is somewhat comforting. It's not that you don't want to be able to reach the ones you love or be able to contact help in case of an emergency like a bear attack (though I hear the last thing you should do during a bear attack is get on your cell phone...it will only further enrage the bear and increase the ferocity with which it mauls you) it's just that you welcome the excuse to limit your contact with the outside world. Simultaneouly, I was ashamed to be excited. I love for my sons to be on the cutting edge of technology. I love that they show me how to do things on the iPad. I love that they have begun to show me effective video game techniques. I suppose I will enjoy it slightly less when they begin to kick my ass at said video games, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. So, when the two sides of my psyche collided, the side that loves getting away from it all and the side that feels the constant need to be plugged into it all, my head began to swim. I texted my response and immediately dragged my boys onto a canoe and started paddling. And while I ran from my choice between technological progress and good old fashioned outdoorsy fun, the answer came to me. I didn't need to make a choice at all. If the two sides of me were to coexist, who was I to resist. After all, religion and science can find common ground. Okay, that is an admittedly terrible example. But I'm sure I can make this work. I have to. Besides, what's the harm in catching a largemouth bass and immediately posting my celebratory photo on Facebook? Once I'm done using the iPad's 3G network to write this blog post, I'll shut it down and pick up an old paperback book and read unto the wee hours. Then I'll wake up in the morning and do some fishing first thing all by myself from the dock. I'd better set the alarm on my iPhone so I get up on time. (Note my inability to properly edit the format of this post...I am so roughing it)

Friday, July 6, 2012

TGD Movie Review: The Amazing Spider-Man

I will be the first to admit that it seemed a little too early in my mind for a reboot of Ol' Web-Head's tale.  I wondered how much would change, how much would have to be done a second time and how much time I would spend comparing the new Spidey to the old Spidey.  But in the end, the question became one of how I could sleep at night knowing that I had denied myself the chance to see one of my favorite Marvel icons on the big screen?  The answer: I couldn't.


So, on a hot, humid Thursday afternoon, my family and I and a few extra kids who were told explicitly that I was not to be bothered during the middle of the film for something as inconsequential as bathroom breaks (why do you think we bought you that large drink cup?) hit the theater to see how the Web Slinger's new origin story would fare.


The Plus Side: To start with, Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone looked their parts.  It was as if Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy had been extracted from the pages of the comic book and placed on the screen through some sort of hokey pseudo-comic-science.  Call it corny, but such little details and homages to the original comic characters go a long way in my book.

Monday, July 2, 2012

To Each His Own With Our Brand New Poll

In response to June's poll question regarding how you felt about DC Comics' decision to make the Green Lantern (at least the alternate universe version, so "a" Green Lantern) gay, our readers responded with a resounding YAAAAAWWWWWWN.  And since the majority of you didn't think it was a big deal, I will conform and treat it as such by immediately moving on to the new poll with little to no fanfare.


Within just a few hours (less than one on the East Coast) of typing this post, the newest Marvel film, The Amazing Spider-Man (remember the hyphen) will be released for viewing.  Alas, my schedule will probably not allow me time to see it until a week or two later.  Sigh.


With the major new reveals of the movie still unspoiled, July's poll will have to do with one major point of controversy over the new film.  I speak, of course, of Spidey's web shooters.  In the Tobey Maquire franchise, they had been made part of the hero's enhanced physiology, much to the chagrin of fans demanding reverence to the comic book.  This time around, Andrew Garfield's Peter Parker constructs his own as he did in the comic.  Be prepared for the scene when he runs out mid-swing.


So what do TGD readers prefer?  Do you like your web shooters to be part of the (Spider-)man?  Would you rather see the boy genius invent his own?  Or would you rather see the web done away with and some new spider transportation method inserted?  Perhaps he manages to make with way through the city quickly by tricking people, thus traveling on a web of lies, or is able to harness the power of the internet to travel on the world wide web.  Perhaps some other terribly corny web reference would suit your fancy.


Let's reconvene at the end of July and discuss.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Heel. Sit. Stay. Good Boy, Now Defend the Earth from Zombies and Mummies. TGD Reviews Paladog.

He thwarts evil and he has a silky coat
I don't know how I ever survived waiting for any period of time prior to owning my iphone.  I find it impossible to recall exactly what I did during all those hours of my life spent in doctors' offices waiting rooms, in line for roller coasters and in the McDonald's Drive-Thru.  Oh, the time I wasted.


Luckily, games for smart phones come out every now and then that are so addictive that you look forward to the opportunity to be stuck somewhere with nothing else to do.  Paladog is just one of those games.

TGD Week Late Movie Review: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

I don't have to tell you that books and movies are very different forms of media.  Yet, so very often we see popular books made into movies and expect them to entice us in a similar way.  The latest book to movie project in theaters is Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Having enjoyed the book, I was encouraged to read that Seth Graham-Smith, the popular, geeky, historical sci-fi fantasy novel's author was also the writer of the screenplay.


But this alone does not a successful book to film transfer make.  Let me elaborate.

What's to Come

I have a confession to make, loyal readers.  I have been holding back on you.


Yes, I have been consuming products of various kinds (not literally, but figuratively) that I have neglected to inform you about.  I have watched movies, read books and played games and I have not spread the word about any of them as I usually do in order to try and steer you in the right direction.


I have failed you, but I hope to make up for it soon.


A movie review will be posted here later today and there are other reviews in the works.  I won;t make any promises, but maybe they will appear here today as well or they might appear over the next few days.  Of course, I may also decide to pepper them throughout July just to spread things around a little, you never know.


Either way, brace yourself for some good old-fashioned TGD opinions, because they're on the way.  Hope you're as excited as I am.  Actually, I hope you're more excited because I'm pretty underwhelmed.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Third Person Thursday: A Real Scorcher


The world smeared into a kaleidoscope before his eyes.  He was vaguely aware of the sensation of falling, but it seemed more as if someone was telling him about how he fell down than he seemed to actually be experiencing it.

He could barely remember what it was he had been doing before the colors wiped the real world out of his consciousness.  It was as if he were about to be crushed by a great stained glass window and the memory of all his sins, his betrayals and indiscretions had finally come back to destroy him.  There were two sides to him.  One wondered why his legs would not work to carry him aware from the closing horror of retribution and the other shrugged and said, “I had this coming.”

Neither side had any influence over the coming events.  The colors continued to dance and swirl before his vision, blotting out the face he could hardly remember had been before him when the spell came over him.

Who had that been?

Were they seeing the colors too?

Then all went black.

When his eyes began to open, he felt surprised by the sudden lack of color that met them.  This sunny summer afternoon and the bright blue sky above him was pale in comparison to the stained glass nightmare that he had nearly succumbed to…What?  Mere seconds ago?

Yet here he was, being hoisted up by the elbow to a sitting position on the sidewalk outside the coffee shop and given a glass of cold ice water by a pleasant looking gentleman in a grey suit.  A man that looked somehow familiar and thanked the busboy as he walked away.

“Here, drink this,” said the man in a muffled voice.  He briefly glanced to the man’s mouth as he accepted the water, expecting to find he was speaking from behind a scarf, but he wasn’t.

As the cool water hit his throat, more sensations began to return.  The sweltering, oven-like heat surrounded him and pressed into his skin.  His memory began to rush back to him and he recalled sitting down across form the man at an outdoor table.  He remembered that he had a business proposal for him, for this man who was, just moments ago, a complete stranger.

He gulped the water and felt the cool liquid momentarily line his stomach before the oppressing heat from the outside advanced.

“Perhaps we should get you inside,” said the pleasant man.  “The air conditioning may do you some good.”

“I’m feeling better now,” he replied and accepted further assistance getting into the chair he had just fallen out of.

He remembered what he had come to do and wanted to get it over with.  He glanced around and saw that the other patrons were busy going about what they had been doing prior to being interrupted by the scene he had made.  He was disappointed slightly in himself.  Making a scene was very contrary to the way he preferred to act during these deals.

“My goodness,” he exclaimed and fanned himself with the newspaper from the table.  “It get’s so hot in this city during the summer.  I must admit it’s a heat that I am not accustomed to.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?” asked the man.

“Oh yes, I’m fine now,” he assured him.  “But where were we?”

“Well,” the pleasant man said, looking puzzled, “you had just sat down across from me and told me that you could provide me with what it is that I seek.  But before I could ask who you were, how you knew what it was that I seek or what you would be asking in return, you fainted.”

“Ah yes,” he smiled.  He took another sip of water and leaned forward, his elbows on the table as he folded his hands.  “I believe the answer to the last question will answer the first two, so I suggest we get down to brass tacks.  The payment I would be asking for is nothing more than your soul.”

Delayed Wordless Wednesday: Best Father's Day Card


Okay, just a few words.  Notice the progression from beginning to middle to end.  I'm so proud.

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Most Hated of Features

Transformer Generation Dad is nearly done with its sports related ranting and prepared to resume regular posting, but let's hold on to the fervor just long enough to let it infect our weekly features.  It begins with the top five athletes I love to hate...


5. Aaron Rodgers - It would be enough for some that he stole my beloved Bears' shot at a Superbowl title in the 2011 NFC Championship Game.  Hell, it would be enough that he is a Packer for most Bears' fans.  But I never hated Brett Favre the way I hate Rodgers and that is because of the celebration.  That stupid heavyweight title belt motion he does after touchdowns really makes me wish bad things on the man.


4. Lebron James - Once again, more than what he means to my hometown team's shot at a title, I despise this guy for the way he carries himself, the things he says, his classless demeanor.  Any athlete that walks off a court without shaking the hands of the team that beat him is enough to make me dislike him forever.  Add the self-important decision announcement, the pep rally, the sour grapes comments and you have one of sports' current biggest douche bags.


3. Isaiah Thomas - So he hasn't been in the league for a long time.  Still, this goes back to the not shaking hands after a loss thing.  It also to do with being cocky, sexist and turning your back on a good friend once he is diagnosed with HIV.  How's that front office gig working out for you Isaiah?  Oh, never mind.


2. Barry Bonds - The real shame is that this guy was a five tool, complete, hall of fame caliber player hands down before he started juicing.  Then his head and feet grew in his mid-thirties and he started hitting home runs at a super human rate.  Claiming innocence and treating the general public like their stupid clinched it.


1. Mark McGwire - This one is personal.  As a kid, I worshiped Big Mac.  He was always a big guy so I even held out hope in the midst of the steroid scandal that maybe he wasn't taking performance enhancing drugs.  Then his weeping, non-denial testimony clinched it and I was done.  You suck, cheater.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sometimes There is No Bad Guy, Just a Bad Game


The end has come to one of the most rewarding summer activities of my life.  My wife and I undertook the challenge of coaching both my sons as they played pee-wee baseball together this year.  Our top priority from the start was to help every kid on the team gain confidence and learn how to play the game while still having fun.  The winning, we figured, would follow.

In fact, we planned to have the winning follow a long time after the beginning of the season.  Our league placed us in the unique position of making the playoffs no matter what our record.  On top of that, all six teams would be randomly seeded, so we had just as much chance of earning a first round bye as any other team.

So the season rolled on and we piled up losses like Rush Limbaugh stockpiles oxycodone.  I reckoned that we would take winning more seriously once the playoffs arrived and that if we didn’t manage to turn things around then, at least the kids would be used to losing and take it in stride.

What happened in our first playoff game made me feel like a genius.

Sometimes, the Bad Sport Wins


Over the last several years, I have watched as the St. Louis Cardinals and Green Bay Packers, teams that are direct rivals of teams that I root for, have won championships.  But the stinging pain or jealousy that forced me to avoid watching Sports Center for weeks at a time and grit my teeth at the mere mention of their success pales in comparison to how I felt recently.

Last Thursday night, the Miami Heat won the NBA Finals, Lebron James won his first professional title and my summer of sulking over what might have been officially began.

I did not watch the final game.  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  The news came as I arrived at work for the night, checked my trusty ESPN Score Center app and cursed the heavens, much to the bewilderment of my coworkers.  Never had I hoped more for a win out of the Western Conference, but Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook and James Harden (don’t forget ex-Bull and defensive specialist Thabo Sefolosha) had let me down.

As I sat at work and tried to harness my fury into the constructive task of staring blazing laser holes into the tabletop in front of me, I realized that my anger over the Miami Heat’s success was not like the frustration I felt over the Cardinals and Packers.  I wasn’t dreading the fact that I was going to hear it from Heat fans.  It was not the fuel of rivalry that stoked my frustration of the Heat’s win.  No, I was legitimately upset because Lebron James won.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Sometimes the Good Guy is the Bad Guy

Youth sports is about growing up.  From a coach's perspective, it is about leading, guiding and teaching young athletes about life as much as about the specific sport in which they are attempting to hone their skills.  Because this is the case, a great deal of trust and, thus, a great deal of responsibility rests in the hands of any coach.

Last night, former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, the most disturbing, disgusting and downright evil example of the abuse of this power and responsibility of all time, was convicted on forty-five counts relating to his serial sexual exploitation and abuse of children under the guise of charitable acts.  In ninety days, he is due to be sentenced.  I read my post from last November 9th on the matter and I feel the same way about everyone involved today.

And I can't help but wonder, as the world breathes a sigh of relief over this monster being put in jail where he belongs (though I can certain name a few other more appropriate places he could go), is it really over?  The justice system will dole out its punishment.  Sandusky will be effectively prevented from doing what he did to another child ever again.  The lives of the others who passively participated and assisted in the cover-up will never be the same, nor should they be.  There will be more trials for the other parties involved.  There will certainly be sweeping changes in how school administrators handle allegations of sexual misconduct amongst their staff.  But again, the fact that life is not about sports but that sports teaches us about life rings true.  Will we be happy to put this in the past or will we remember it and learn from it?

The Bad, Worse & Ugly of Sports

For a well-rounded individual, life is not all about sports.  Instead, sports teach us about life.


It has been a momentous week in the world of sports from my perspective.  Some national headlines deserve mention and the local, more household obsession of mine requires wrapping up.


Thus, Transformer Generation Dad plans on roaring back into the blogosphere from which he has been so noticeably absent over the past month (you did notice, right?) by writing several posts over the next twenty-four hours regarding sports and the lessons, sometimes profound and sometimes painful, that they teach us.


Buckle up because TGD Sports Day starts now.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

How Sweet It Is


It has been a long baseball season.  Practices and games galore have left little free time for my usual pastimes of writing blog posts, drinking beer and playing video games.  To add to the frustration of the commitment I made at the beginning of the season to coach my sons’ team, the time and effort put in has not always yielded results.  During sixteen games this season, we won only two.

As a pee-wee coach, my responsibility has been to place the progression of my young players above all else, including winning.  I explained this to all of my players early on and have repeated it over and over.  While they watched as their peers on other teams celebrated wins, my players consoled themselves with the reassurance that they were learning.  While kids said openly, “You guys stink, we creamed you last time,” my players muttered to themselves, “These games don’t count.”  While one team pitched the same three kids all season long, every kid on our team who wanted to pitch got an opportunity.  While that same team held their kids at static positions, our players were rotating in and out of the infield and getting valuable experience, even at the risk of their own personal safety and the potential of taking a line drive to the noggin while they scribbled their own name into the infield dirt.

Monday, June 18, 2012

A Happy Day Indeed

The past two months have seen fewer posts here at Transformer Generation Dad.  My work schedule has been hectic and add to that the fact that I have taken on the intense responsibility of coaching my sons' pee-wee baseball team and you get one blogger with a serious lack of free time.


Then came Fathers Day.  A day when dads around the world open boxes to find Star Wars ties, get served their favorite meals, watch (or play for the lucky ones) golf and lie in their hammocks.  It's an all around day for dads to do what they want.


During the pre-game warm-ups, if you will, I anticipated that I might squeeze in a little writing time some time after accepting the hand drawn cards and scarfing down my breakfast in bed and some time before having to go to work that night (let's hear it, "Awwwww, poor me").  I had even tried to conjure up a few different themes to discuss.  The day was all set to be lazily spent on my bed with equal parts television remote, laptop and video game controller at my fingertips.  Yes, I am easy to please.


But it didn't take long for those plans to change.  Soon enough, my sons insisted on sitting on the bed beside me as we took in G4's marathon showing of the Top 100 Video Games of All Time.  That, in turn, led me to stare at their little faces and bear witness yet again to their reverence for all that is gaming.  It is times like these when my worries over raising them properly are dispelled.  I realize that I have instilled in my boys a true and undying passion for all that which is awesome.  They are developing into tiny versions of me personality-wise and for at least a day I allowed that to not terrify me.


I felt inspired to connect with my sons even more.  After all, this devotion to their craft didn't come from spending time writing while they wasted the hours by themselves in front of the television in the basement, controllers in hand.  No, I have been right alongside them with a controller in my own hand for many of those hours.  It is I who have provided the guiding light through the most challenging of levels.  Haven't you noticed the giant orange banner at the top of this page?


And so, witty commentary and weekly features be damned, the majority of the rest of the day (after finding out which game was, predictably, number one) we played video games together.  To be specific, we played number 67.


Here's to all the dads out there, including my own.  I hope that each and every one of you spent the day soaking in all that is the joy of parenthood.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Belated Third Person Thursday, Throwback Edition: Something He'd Rather (You'd All) Forget

This Third Person Thursday post was originally co-written by my wife last November near the time that the Penn State scandal was first revealed.  With the case in the courts now, I wanted to go back to it due to my ever-lasting disbelief that there are people in the world who would defend the actions and behavior of any single person involved in what has happened to the victims in the case.


Each of his fifteen years of public service were confident, intentional steps leading up to this very day. Peeking out into the audience from behind the stage curtains, he could see his family sitting in the front row, huge smiles on their faces, shaking hands and conversing with people. With his religious upbringing, pride was not a feeling he felt comfortable with, but today, he couldn’t help himself from booming with it.  Guilt was pushed aside and he told himself the pride was well-earned, with all his honest hard work, the solid relationships and partnerships he tactfully engineered in his party’s best interest, and his undying loyalty to their causes. Today was about all of it – the years of sweat, the sacrifices, his family, his party, his country – and he would own today.

The audience grew silent and was seated now, awaiting their candidates’ arrival on the stage for some lively debate. “Governor Shea?” a voice behind him called. He turned, and faced a young female reporter he knew well from his campaigning. She was his own daughter’s age and reminded him of her in some ways – very smart and ambitious, a future as bright as the sun.

“Yes, what is it Miss Goetz? They’re about to call us on stage.”

Miss Goetz held photographs in her hand and held them out for him to see. “Sir, the press was just sent these photos from your college days. It appears it’s you, flipping a car over, and then later, in this video clip, you talk to reporters about how you support Joe Paterno undyingly. It was years ago, at Penn State, in the wake of the discovery of years of mass child molestation going on with others knowing about it and doing nothing – the Jerry Sandusky scandal. Sir, can I get your official comment on how you believe this will impact your run for President? Sir, before you go on stage? Sir? Sir? Sir?"


...........
"Mr. Shea?"

The change in manner of address shook him from his daydream. He wasn't about to go on stage anymore. He was sitting across a desk from a young woman.  She was near his daughter's age. Two years had passed since he abruptly canceled his press conference.

"Mr. Shea?" the young woman asked again. "You were saying?"

"Sorry," he composed himself and consulted the catalog on his desk. "We can get you that model in the Cornflower Blue and we can have it here by next Tuesday. So what do you say? Am I selling you this car today?"

Monday, June 11, 2012

New Weekly Features...That's What I'm Afraid Of.


As usual, I am behind on updating the weekly features, so let’s get right into it to make up for lost time and not get all nostalgic and mushy on me, okay?

This week’s top five list is important lessons that dads tend to teach that moms just don’t for some reason:

5. How to sleep in a recliner – Step one: work to the point of exhaustion.  It pretty much handles itself from there.

4. Burping – It needs to come from the diaphragm.  Bass and length are the keys to success.

3. Auto maintenance – Change the oil every three thousand miles and if a light comes on, do not think it will go away eventually.

2. How to throw a ball (not like a girl) – This is especially impressive for dads with daughters out there.

1. How to sound like you know more about sports than you really do – Dads can give you quality stock lines like talking about out kicking the coverage, the growing lack of dominant centers and putting the puck on net to name a few.  This also comes in very handy with item #2 on our list.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Third Person Thursday: Boys of Summer


He waited patiently in the courtyard, surrounded by the other parents.  The same parents who had stood in the same courtyard over the last several months, often huddled near walls to shield themselves from the icy winds, hidden beneath layers of winter coats, now donned sunglasses, shorts and t-shirts.

There was an air of excitement amongst them.  The bell would ring soon and when it did, the group dynamic would change.  Next autumn, it might be an entirely different group waiting by an entirely different doorway in an entirely different courtyard.

As the fleeting moments of the school year ticked away, he thought not of what next year would look like and which parents he would wait alongside each day at 2:20 in the afternoon.  His focus was more like that of the students still trapped inside waiting for release.  He thought of freedom.

To be sure, his life would not change as drastically over the next three months as would his sons’.  He would still have to go to work.  He would still have to pay the bills.  But there would be a bit more freedom to his schedule.  No more worrying about lunches and school uniforms.  No more checking over homework and keeping tabs on special projects.  He even pulled his phone from his pocket as he waited and deleted the standard weekday alarms to remind him of when school started and ended.  And with the school year now at an end the end of the baseball season would soon follow.

The bell rang and a weight seemed to lift off his shoulders.  He could almost feel his calendar clear.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Father of All Weekly Features


It’s June and since self-obsession runs rampant here at Transformer Generation Dad the whole month is all about Father’s Day.  The build up, the celebration and the afterglow take up all thirty glorious summer days.  We say summer days even though the solstice isn’t until twenty days into the month, but who needs to be that precise?

Must…resist…precision.

Anyway, this week’s features begin celebrating dads by naming our top five favorite comic book fathers.

5. Odin – The All-Father practices tough love to be sure, but ultimately he teaches his son Thor how to be worthy of the power he possesses.  Add in the gift of one kick ass hammer and the adoption of one of his sworn enemy’s runt children and the gruff, one-eyed, bearded old coot seems like a big softy.

4. Magneto – I know we all might say it, but how many of you would be willing to wage a full scale war with the human race in order to protect the future of your kids?

3. Reed Richards – You can’t by your kids’ love, but if you are the one and only Mr. Fantastic inventing super awesome gadgets and allowing them to travel throughout the galaxy might be a way to bribe love out of them.

2. Jor-El – Scientist and savior of his only son.  He even provided his boy with the ultimate tree house so that he had somewhere to escape with his thoughts (and nudie magazines…they don’t show that part in the comic books).

1. Rick Grimes – When the chips are down and the mindless hordes are advancing, the true mettle of a father is tested.  Through loss of limbs as well as countless friends, family members and acquaintances, Rick has stayed focused on the two fundamental principles of fatherhood.  Protect your son and cultivate his ability to slaughter zombies.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Does DC Stand for Decision of Courage or Deceptive Cowards?

So it's out there.  After a few weeks of buzz about which DC Comics superhero was to be outed as gay, the word has finally come that it is the exact hero whom I thought it would be.  I now find myself wishing I had documented this prediction so that my prophecy could be recorded for future generations.  Alas, I will have to fall back on the old, "I swear I knew who it was going to be.  Just ask my wife."


Who is it, you ask?  None other than Green Lantern.  And the media seems to be celebrating DC for its courage in making one of its more well known heroes gay.


But while many are applauding DC, I am a bit suspicious.  Not at all because they made an iconic character gay.  I'm all about superheroes being more human and realistic.  It makes for a more compelling story.  I have no problem with a homosexual character.  What leaves me suspicious is the way DC has gone about its decision.  It has insulated itself.  Allow me to explain.

A Brave New Poll

May's poll question has been decided.  A slim majority of you would like to see Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch added to a second Avengers film (sorry, Vision, you had my vote).  A celebration of the poll winner will be posted here some time over the next several days.


Meanwhile, we need a new poll.  With DC's decision to make the Green Lantern gay, the inspiration has provided itself.  I would like to know what you think about this decision by DC.  Is it heroic, offensive or do you not really give a crap.


Vote early and vote often and we'll see what the readers of Transformer Generation Dad think at the end of June.