Monday, May 2, 2011

Another Week, Another Feature

Welcome to our weekly features post, now chock full of more features than ever. Let’s start with our newest addition, shall we?

Thor opens this Friday and I, for one, am quite excited. Its imminent release caused me to ponder super hero accessories. Superman has his cape, Spidey his web shooters and Batman his utility belt. However, there aren’t many super heroes who rely on objects they possess to make them the hero we all know and love. On the other hand, the three major super hero films that are to be released this Spring/Summer are films featuring exactly this type of hero.

When you think of Thor, you envision him holding his hammer, the mighty Mjolnir, aloft. Captain America isn’t the same without his shield. The Green Lantern actually is given his power by his ring. So the question must be asked in this week’s poll: which of these three super hero accessories is the most awesome? You be the judge.

The royal wedding was this past weekend, and with all my pondering being taken up by super hero accessories, I almost didn’t find time to think about it at all. The little I did think about it quickly turned from thinking about the royal family to the top five princes, which I have decided are as follows:

5. Prince Fielder – The pudgy, left handed slugger of the Milwaukee Brewers, son of Cecil (wasn’t that a moniker for a serial killer in the seventies?) checks in at number five and might have been higher were his team not in the NL Central.

4. The artist once again currently known as Prince – This guy still puts on an entertaining show. Despite the fact that he is a Minnesota Vikings fan, I can respect that.

3. Prince Spaghetti – With all the fancy instant pastas available now, it’s nice to get back to your roots.

2. The Prince of Wales Trophy – The NHL’s Eastern Conference Champions are awarded this trophy each year. While the reigning holders of it, the Philadelphia Flyer, are still alive in the playoffs, they had to settle for this last year when a certain team knocked them out of the Stanley Cup round and won a much cooler trophy.

1. Prince Namor (aka Sub-Mariner) – Not only is he one of the most powerful super heroes in the Marvel Universe, commanding his own entire realm of subjects, but he holds the distinction of being the first ever mutant.

This week’s cool-ass thing you will never own is The Restaurant at the End of the Universe. While it makes for amazing and terrifying dinner theater, we have yet to develop the devices by which to travel the space-time continuum and be able to build a restaurant at that exact…when.

This week’s sign you are a nerd is that you are brushing up on your comic book back issues and history just so that you can attend the various super hero movies this summer and critique their inconsistencies.

This week’s nemesis is leftover Easter candy. Try as my sons might to finish it all, there are inevitably delectable chocolate eggs sitting around in every room in the house, begging for me to eat them. My teeth hurt just writing this.

This week’s lesson learned is that wearing shorts and opening your laptop while it actually sits on your lap can be painful. Said pain comes in the form of the hair on your legs being pulled. Ladies may not experience this as acutely as men.

This week’s equation is:

The interest one had in the royal wedding can be estimated by taking a umber value for the country one lives in (c), assigning 1 to the United States and 5 to the United Kingdom and raising it to the power of the number value of one’s gender (g) with male being 1 and female being 1000 and the total number of days in one’s childhood they spent dreaming about being a princess (p).

This week’s Star Wars quote is: “The boy is dangerous. They all sense it; why can’t you?”

Thanks for reading everyone.

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