Sunday, May 29, 2011

W(b)ee(r)kly Features

Last week's poll question resulted in a different answer than I expected. Most of you would spend your time before rapture purifying. This is a little disappointing because it make my entry into Heaven less likely with suitable candidates no doubt leap-frogging in front of me while I exact revenge, but I suppose eternity will be mine to rue my decisions.

Anyway, when considering this week's poll question, I had nothing. So, I asked my sons to help me and I used the first thing they said as this week's poll. "What do you think a unicorn poops?" they wondered. And I wondered too. So, out of the options of candy corn, flowers rainbows and regular old poop, which do you think unicorns poop?

Completely changing gears (you're welcome) if you are anything like me, you plan to use the extended weekend to fit in more beer consumption. And, if you're even more like me, you will also be consuming some variety of grilled meats. If you are like me in any other ways, you are starting to creep me out. But getting back to the topic of beer drinking, an issue very closer to my heart (and increasingly close to my liver), this week's top five list consists of relatively cheap, non-pretentious, summer beers. I am a simple man who wants to actually be able to drink a summer beer all summer and actually afford it:

5. Leinenkugel's Berry Weiss - Too sweet to drink long term, but a nice summer change of pace for a bottle or two.

4. Corona - When it comes to beers that taste good with a lime in them, this is the king. But have you ever smelled it prior to drinking it. It smells like an elephant cage to me for some reason. Yet I still drink it.

3. Blue Moon - Again, a good solid beer that goes perfectly with a citrus fruit wedge added to it makes it a summer beer in my mind. Blue Moon + orange slice = delicious.

2. Bud Light Lime - I'm not a fan of regular Budweiser. I only enjoy it at two times: at Blackhawks home games and never. But a few summers back, while attending Lollapalooza, I was in desperate need of a beverage and Bud was the only beer brand they had available. So, my love of Bud Light Lime was formed in a simple effort to avoid the flavor of a Bud. This is by far the cheapest beer on the list and has a nice lime taste to it.

1. Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy - I'm a big fan of Leinenkugel's beer to begin with. I've noticed people either love or hate this beer. They either think it's too watered down with lemonade or they think it's a perfect blend of flavors. I happen to love it and it's not any more expensive than the other beers in the Leinenkugel's line despite being a limited time offer each year.

This week's cool ass thing you will never own is a flame-thrower. Think of how easy is would be to simultaneously sear both sides of your steaks, using the grill for the bottom half and the flame-thrower for the top half. Plus, you could perform cool experiments like when J.K. Simmons lights the giant ball of lint on fire in the Farmer's Insurance commercials. By the way, if Geico increased their customers by having funny commercials, I think Farmer's is on the new frontier of that battle with Simmons as their spokesman. Off topic, I know. Just saying.

This week's sign you are a nerd in that you are incapable of enjoying a good sunset because you can't help but think how much cooler any sunset would look if you were on Tattooine and there were two suns setting at the same time.

This week's nemesis is the Miami Heat. I really never had a problem with Lebron leaving Cleveland. Nor did I hate him for going to Miami. I don't even hate them for beating the Bulls this post-season. My problem was with "The Decision," with the catwalk and firework celebration the "Big 3" had before the season ever started, with the way they have overreacted about wins that the ought to act more professional about and now with the fact that I will have to continue hating them through the NBA Finals instead of just forgetting about my hatred and moving on to just watching basketball. They are the Empire and purposely amplifying my hate in order to bring me to the Dark Side. Use the Force, Dirk.

This week's lesson learned is to pay attention to weather forecasts prior to planning outdoor activities. With Spring weather changing so rapidly, it would be nice to expect that thunderstorm before you get five miles out on the bike trail.

This week's equation helps you plan ahead and attempt to calculate how long your kid's Little League game is going to take:

The amount of time the game will take in minutes (T) can be calculated by taking the number of innings (i) times fifteen and adding that to the product of number of innings (i) times the number of runs each inning is limited to before being forced to end (r) then dividing this sum by the sum of the skill level of the pitcher (p) on a 1-10 scale plus the skill level of the catcher (c) on a 1-10 scale and the area of that particular umpire's strike zone (a) in square feet. Finally, take the time at which you hope the game will finish in twenty-our hour time (h, subscript 2) and subtract the time at which the game started (h, subscript 1) and divide that by 2, because everyone knows that when you have something you need to get to after the game, the game will inevitably take longer.

Finally, this week's Star Wars quote is: "For a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic. Before the dark times, before the Empire."

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