Monday, May 16, 2011

PRODUCT ALERT: Do Not Buy Moon Hopz! Stupid Spelling Makes for a Stupid Toy.

Regular readers of this blog may have noticed, if they ever bothered to scroll down in the left hand column, that I recommend toys for your children that I think perform well and that they will be interested in. I would now like to take the opportunity to do the opposite. I would like to educate you and encourage you to further spread the word about a toy that you should avoid at all costs.

The product in question...well, it's not really in question. There is no question about it. These things suck. They are called Moon Hopz and they are made by Big Time Toys and I love run-on sentences and they (the Moon Hopz, not the run-on sentences) look like this:

The child in this picture looks awfully happy. I can only guess that this is due to the paycheck he was promised for this modeling opportunity or possibly because he is starved for attention and was really excited about having his picture taken. The one thing that could not possibly be making him this happy is having those monstrosities strapped to his feet. I suppose it's possible that he is in the midst of shouting at someone to help him remove them.

Moon Hopz are billed as "anti-gravity shoes" and show kids apparently flying through the air. They do not, however, say anywhere that they will make you jump higher or that they will even bounce. On the contrary, when you open the box and read the instructions, they tell you that using Moon Hopz will increase your child's balance and coordination. This claim is the only one they make no doubt because children need to be careful not to fall flat on their faces while wearing them.

If you look at the construction, you will see that they are inflated balls attached to the bottom of a plastic shoe. Think of what happens when you try to bounce a beach ball. It makes a loud thud and doesn't bounce off the ground and higher than any other hard plastic item you would throw to the ground. Well, these shoes do exactly that. Essentially, instead of buying them shoes that will make them bounce higher, you are buying them exercise shoes like the kind Kramer wore in that politically incorrect (but hilarious) episode of Seinfeld. You know, the one where Mel Torme was singing to him at the end?

This is an example of a product that takes advantage of children's excitement and innocence. Kids are not the savviest of consumers and Big Time Toys is charging thirty-five bucks for a product that they know damn well does not do what they are intentionally making it look like it does. That, I cannot abide.

So, please, loyal TGD readers, do not purchase Moon Hopz from Big Time Toys. It is a poorly represented and terribly made product. It will not help your kids jump higher. It will only cause them misery.

However, if your parenting style happens to be one which calls for inflicting intense disappointment, misery and the distinct possibility of severe injury upon your children by their own hands (or feet), then this is the toy for you!

Spread the word.

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