Monday, May 23, 2011

With Eternal Damnation on Hold, Go Ahead and Indulge in this Week's Features

On Saturday, I expected to wake up (or not wake up as the case may be) in whatever section of the afterlife I had been filed into. I will make no assumptions as to whether that was to be Heaven, Hell, Purgatory or some other area I have yet to hear about. If it is up to me, however, then I'd like to go on the record now as listing Heaven as my first choice and Hell as my last with any other possibilities filling in the spaces between the two.

Since I woke up in the same place I usually wake up, in a puddle of drool on my own bed, I suddenly needed to take care of all sorts of responsibilities that I had dismissed as unnecessary with the fact that, you know, none of it was supposed to be here and all. The top five of those things are as follows:

5. Clean up dog poo - In the days leading up to the expected rapture, I sort of let things go and with the weather warming up and the sky not being on fire, I'd like to enjoy some time in my yard now.

4. Pay off credit cards - That pre-rapture party racked up expenses that I honestly didn't think I would ever have to worry about paying off. I'm sure Harold Camping will be more than willing to help me with the expenses.

3. Shower - All that sweat and grime that should have been steamed off by the boiling seas is up to me to take care of now. Time to go get a new loofa and some exfoliating shower gel.

2. Apologize to my boss - Some things were said that I never thought I would live to regret that I am now living to regret.

1. Write blog posts - Just when I thought I was finally free of this weight around my neck.

In other rapture-related news, my wife was inspired by talk of the rapture to wonder whether or not she would want to know when she was going to die. She then asked me and our sons what we would do if we knew our death was coming soon. That lead me not to ponder whether or not I was living my life to the fullest (sadly) but rather to what I thought would be a good poll question for this week: If you knew you only had a few days to live what would you spend your remaining time doing? Partying, purifying, avoiding the thought, or seeking perfectly timed revenge?

When I first heard about the upcoming rapture, which happened about eight hours before it was scheduled (thanks, Facebook), I thought immediately of Bioshock. That led me to make this week's cool-ass thing you will never own, Rapture, the underwater would-be utopian city that the game is set in.

So then, three features into the weekly features, I was suddenly bored with the whole Rapture-Mania craze. That's why this week's sign you are a nerd is that your child of ten years of age or younger is already better at every sport than you are. While I don't fit this just yet due to my own strategic planning on restricting their access to a basketball court, I don't recall kids being as good at baseball already as most of the kids playing in my sons little league already are. While I held my own on the diamond back in the day, I'm fairly certain I would have been permanently planted in the dugout if I had played on my son's team.

Well beyond rapture fears at this point, I decided to make this week's nemesis GLaDOS from the Portal games. Despite its constant efforts to kill me in the name of science, I can't help but like the old artificially intelligent computer. Test all you want on me, GLaDOS, as long as that razor sharp wit of yours keeps me in stitches along the way.

This week's lesson learned is to keep your alarm further than an arm's reach from your bed. On those mornings when you didn't sleep well, perhaps because you were awake, waiting for the rapture (sorry, couldn't resist another reference), you may turn it off without ever fully awakening. Then you end up running around the house like an idiot and scaring your children mostly from your frazzled appearance, but also partially from the constant stream of swear words coming from your mouth.

In a similar theme to our top five, I decided it was time to take care of some overdue business since i was still among the living and used the weekly equation to fulfill a promise to our resident graphic designer (who is not me, by the way) and create a tribute to the nifty chalkboard image that he created just to make our equations look better. In this equation, you see how much better our equations have become with the addition of the new chalkboard graphics which, by the way, have been done on the black chalkboard this week instead of the usual green one, just to show how we love to use what he provides us. E, subscript n, represents the awesomeness of the new equations and E, subscript o, represents the awesomeness of the old versions which was already pretty high, obviously, but has been increased to the power of infinity. That's pretty high.

Finally (relax, just for this week's features, not for life as we know it) this week's Star Wars quote is: "Death is a natural part of life." This may be the only sentence Yoda ever spoke in proper grammar. If not the only one, then it is one of very few.

Congratulations on the still being alive thing, everyone who is reading this. I'll be posting more soon.

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